neomarxisme

日猶同祖論 (にちゆうどうそろん; nichiyuu dousoron）: "hypothesis that Jews and Japanese are of common ancestry"

*note: 「猶」is the kanji used to represent the Jewish people, from 「猶太」（ゆだや；yudaya) "Judea, Jewish people."

Last week's cherry blossom mania turned the otherwise grey, staid Tokyo into a wild pink affair, and like a hangover to our merry reveling, many of us are now suffering from allergic reactions to the acute increase of flower pollen in the environment. Kafunsho is like a pseudo-grippe, dizzily speeding through ailments in double-time: I've moved from sore throat to sneezing to stuffy head in the course of three days, so Friday looks all clear.

At times like this, I fantasize about going to a bar for the flu-weary that serves up shots of the Green Fairy: Nyquil, Original Flavor.

On Saturday, I went to Aoyama Fai for the first time in ages and spied a bottle of Pernod Absinthe up in the top shelves of the bar. This is not your mother's pastis, friends. At 68% alcohol, the drink literally burns a hole in your esophagus - but with a fresh, clean kick... like swigging a Listerine martini. I also dare any of you to name another bottled beverage that leaves such a nasty-looking residue in the glass.

Thanks to the good people of the Internet, we should all now be aware that absinthe has never been a psychoactive agent, but it is about as fun as that Degas painting. I find it hard to believe that Nyquil does not have some fundamental genetic relationship to absinthe - the over-the-top green hues, anise flavors, and high alcohol contents. I also can't imagine Nyquil being that much worse for you.

By the way: I originally planned on using April First as my ironically-real Blog Dismantling Day, but I changed my mind and will stick it out for a while. Now being a shakaijin with real employment, I have to warn you that there are several classic Marxy problematics I will no longer be tackling for various reasons. Also, I am aiming to take my activities into new media and new directions. Stagnation is boring. Stay aboard for awhile: it's a free ride.

Akasaka is a charmless business district, filled with grey office buildings, yellowed interiors, blue pinstripes, double-breasted middle-managers, a gravity that sucks all desks to the center of each room, 600 yen cups of coffee, 1000 yen lunch sets, and spotless concrete walkways.

Also in the background:

1) The Ultranationalists - Once an hour, uyoku soundtrucks slowly stroll down the main drag, either shouting incomprehensible messages or playing old glorious war songs. The Diet building is nearby, so we're are probably not the intended audience, but we get three to four free shows per day. The cops follow in tortoise-style pursuit and still have not found a legal solution to the noise problem after fifty odd years of this aural terrorism. I run to the window to make out the banners: one today was railing against "red anti-Japan elements" which I am assuming is code for the Japan Communist Party and the other non-threatening remnants of Japan's once-strong Leftist movement. Yesterday, the kanji on the banners were all written right to left - an orthographical protest against the Occupation's post-war changes to the Japanese writing system. In theory, they should logically stop using all kanji and the kanji-derivated kana systems, seeing that those evil symbols arrived from the Red Demon next door.

2) The Yakuza - A criminal syndicate has a corporate office in the building right next to my workplace. In the good old days, each crime family would proudly print their name on the front doors, but now the grumps upstairs consider that illegal. There is a constant pool of white Mercedes sedans parked on the corner, with various heavies waiting for the VIPs to emerge. Bad haircuts, bad suits, bad sunglasses. I'm not an expert on organized crime, but I still find the yakuza to be a different monster than their American brothers. These aren't immigrant groups creating alternate economies, in need of self-protection against mainstream mobs, working mainly with illegal markets. The yakuza is a major economic player in Japan, with direct connections to the political machine and an active political arm (with loud soundtrucks). The greatest threat to this ingrained system is not the cops or the bureaucrats, but the infiltration of foreign capital. Global capitalism needs transparency, concrete results, rises in stock prices - not a bunch of inefficient thugs getting artificial results through violence. The yakuza may play mean, but international capitalism has a pretty harsh list of victories as well. This should be an interesting gang war.

At least on the Denentoshi line racing in from Yokohama, those chaotic masses of congregating ex-rural workers, who have spent the last four decades making commuter trains run at two to three times the original planned capacity, cause the meticulously-arranged time schedules to mysteriously disappear from the illuminated signs usually responsible for indicating exact departures. Trains are no longer "9:03" and "9:06," but just "on their way." Order returns to the city once everyone is safely in their cubicles, but perfect coordination becomes impossible in the savage conditions of early morning. Expect this to get worse: precision is a luxury.

If the dreaded Denentoshi line can barely keep up to its preprogrammed schedule on a sunny day, April rains make Tokyo Modernist Order an anachronistic utopian fantasy. The Metro authorities in the past have succesfully filled one empty wine bottle with the full contents of an entire XXX moonshine jug, but the volume of backroom still production keeps increasing! And the little boy with his thumb in the dyke is getting distracted by the accoutrements of modern life and ready to skirt corking duties! And other metaphors for the fact that the whole pressurized system is about to blow!

Today the numbers were again absent from all electronic signage, and being only April, the good people of the subway see no reason to discontinue the heaters in the subway cars. I attemped to push myself into one traincar this morning, only to feel a fierce wave of radioactive warmth emanating from the nuclear core. I briskly skipped to a different portal, stood prostrate for ten minutes inside, and eventually had some suited slob keep pushing his sticky back against mine. His navy wool carapace was explosively hot like a fusion engine, imprinting my upper back with heat memories long after he swayed towards someone else. The person to my immediate left - that is to say, standing on my left foot with his arm around my shoulder for balance, checking out the contents of my iPod - was suffering from typical winter atopic dermatitis, that perhaps in further consideration, was just first-degree burns from weathering this intense heat all the way from Chuo-Rinkan.

...."From talking with you last week on the phone, we got the sense that you are a bit disappointed with your performance in recent years - quite understandably, in fact. Just looking at these numbers, I can't help but -"
...."- you are really going to need to be more proactive to make an impact."
...."Right. And so we put together this integrated branding strategy to address all your communication issues."
...."We want to stress the integration. Total integration of the brand concept - from top to bottom."
...."Right. So, first we have to rethink this old logo."
...."We took the liberty of doing some preliminary research, to get a sense of what people today thought about your old logo. So first we showed them the sickle. A large majority of these key demographics didn't even know what it was -"
...." - and these are your key demographics -"
...."- most thought it was a scythe. The Grim Reaper. That's not a particularly healthy association."
...."And just so you know, we had showed them both the sickle logo and also a real sickle."
...."Very rusty. Very authentic."
...."No one was into it. One guy cut his finger."
...."So then we pulled out the hammer. And first of all, this hammer logo doesn't even look like a hammer."
...."Real hammers have that rounded head and duck-tail. Very charming - Americana. This Old House."
...."Your hammer is just this big block."
...."And Arm & Hammer already did the hammer. And I hear they are even re-branding and getting rid of it."
...."So knowing all this, we did a focus group last Thursday."
...."Last Wednesday."
...."Right, last Wednesday. And we asked this focus group - "
...."Mostly members from your target demographics, by the way. Very low rent."
...."Yes. We gave them an illustrated picture of a guy holding the sickle and the hammer, in overalls, very salt-of-the earth, and another guy standing next to him with one of those cartoon speech bubbles coming out of his mouth. And we asked them to fill in what they thought the other guy was saying."
...."Just, the first thing that comes into your mind. Anything - "
...."- and you know what a majority of them wrote? 'Asshole.'"
...."Asshole."
...."That's what they wrote. And that was probably the nicest response. I can't repeat the rest of them - "
...." - not here at least. We'll show you the memo later."
...."Well, I can understand those reactions, but we have always used the hammer and sickle as a way to show our solidarity with the historical tradition and - "
...."Tradition."
...."The T-word."
...."Everything we are doing for you is part of our integrated strategy. Integrated. We use the Two-Prong Fork Marketing Identity Strategic Matrix. Two prongs. In your case, we have identified these strategic prongs as one, tradition, and two, the future."
...."But not tradition tradition. New tradition."
...."Not 'Coca-Cola' - 'Coke Classic.'"
...."Exactly."
...."With that in mind, pick up this pamphlet. Imagine you're a consumer - "
...."Consumer?"
...."Constituent. Whatever. You should think of them in the same way. Imagine picking this pamphlet up, casually, just one day picking this up, 'Hey, something to read on the train,' and you see this old guy on the back cover, black-and-white, full beard."
...."So Jewish - "
...."Too Jewish. Way too Jewish. And not even cute nebbish Jewish - like what's-his-name from SNL - Adam Samberg."
...."This is severe Jewish. You know, I never really got the anti-Semite thing, but then I saw this - "
...."You get it, right?"
...."Yeah, I mean, I'm not anti-Semitic or anything. At all. But you see this, and you kinda get it."
...."This guy is Jerry Garcia on a bad day - without the charm. No Ben&Jerry's for this guy."
...."He was the founder of our - "
...."I know, but that's old tradition."
...."And then this guy V.I."
...."Severe. This guy is ice. V. I. = Vladimir Iceman."
...."It's the 21st century. We have to lose these bald, black-and-white guys with bad facial hair."
...."So we went out to the library and did some digging, and we found these gorgeous pictures of young Stalin. Very handsome. Will be even better once we finish bringing the color up to date. Creative will have that done by tomorrow. Actually it will probably be Monday."
...."In general, the Party has spent the last fifty years trying to get away from Stalin, in that - "
...."Well people haven't seen the young Stalin."
...."We considered Trotsky - good rep, but again, too Jewish."
...."Moving on. The red you've been using is $2 Walgreens drugstore lipstick red. We have our designers working on this, scanning the Pantone for something more... now."
...."But tell him what we're thinking."
...."Okay, this is very preliminary, but we're thinking a whole VI based on grayscale."
...."Grayscale?"
...."Very retro. Mac Classic II."
...."Either that or Game Boy pea-green grayscale."
...."If anything though, we really want you to keep the stars. Feels like 90s indie kid tattoos and those are headed for a comeback anytime soon."

Rising from the dead, Gawker Media's Favorite Young Talent Nick Sylvester is back putting words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs with his new site, Riff Market. For those wondering why this young man alone took up at least a full quarter of Gawker's early March outrage-peddling, read his interview with the Game.

Oops.

Last night, I found myself at a gallery opening for a NY'er responsible for the world's greatest T-shirt (NWA + a wizard), and I ran into a Japanese Green Carder whom I have not seen in quite a while. I was filling him in on my subjective boredom with the current Tokyo scene, and after having my esophagus sponsored by Black Label for a half hour, I spotted the foreign girl standing next to him wearing a bag decorated with characters created by a certain Japanese artist - let's call the person "Jasper Johns" - whom I have accused of plagiarism many times on this blog. (In fact, Neomarxisme is the #1 Google site for searches on the standard Japanese order of this artist's name.) My Japanese friend did not know of this artist and this person's past transgressions, so I launched into a thirty-second summary of my general tirade - at which point, the person NEXT to the person with the bag in question suddenly glared my way.

Everyone shuffles out casually a minute later, and I ask my friend two seats down from me, whom were you just talking to? "Jasper Johns," she says.

Now if I had known this artist was standing right in front of me, I would have not been so loud and spiteful and certainly would not have mentioned the album cover pakuri that spawned a lawsuit. I would have introduced myself, complimented the artist on his/her fabulous work and new book, and then aired my bile BEHIND HIS/HER BACK. That's what these parties are for in the first place.

Jackson's Beatles Catalog is Becoming So Yesterday
Beatles set to join online music revolution
Jackson's Beatles love me digital, as Apple sues Apple
Can't buy me love: Beatles joining digital-music realm
Meet the Beatles, Online (Someday)!
Beatles to let it be, sell online downloads
Here comes the sun: Beatles online soon
Twist and Shout: Beatles' Songs to Be Released Through Music Services

Upcoming:
A Day in the Life of the Apple-Apple Trial
Beatles Camp Gets A Little Help From Their Friends in Court
The Ballad of Jobs and Yoko: Lennon's ex-wife takes the stand
Steve Jobs Pleads to Celebrity Witnesses: "Help!"
Lady Madonna? The Queen of Pop Comes to the Aid of Apple Computers
All My Love-In? Courtney Love Makes a Surprise Appearance at Apple-Apple Trial
Judge Decrees: You've Got to Hide Your (Courtney) Love Away
Beatles Camp Blasts Apple Computers: "You Never Give Me Your Money"
Hey, Jud(g)e: Apple Computer Calls for a Mistrial after Procedural Error
Legal Analyst: Beatles' Chances of Winning Case are Getting Better All the Time
Apple Faces A Hard Day's Night Waiting for the Verdict
Tomorrow Never Knows How the Jury Will Rule in the Apple vs. Apple Case
Steve Jobs on Eve of Verdict: "I Feel Fine"
Steve Jobs Pleads to Beatles Camp: "We Can Work it Out"
Get Back, Apple Computers! Beatles Win Legal Suit
Cry, Baby, Cry: Jobs Suffers Big Defeat in Apple-Apple Case
Steve Jobs Admits: "I Should Have Known Better"
Back in the U.S.S.R: How the Outcome of the Apple Case Limits Free Speech
Judge Stands Behind Verdict in Beatles Case: "Because"
The Fool on the Hill: How Jobs Lost the Beatles Case
Baby, You're a Rich Man: Beatles Stand to Make Millions on Digital Distribution
Illegal Copies of New Beatles Masters are Here, There, and Everywhere on the Internet
Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My iPod Nano
I Want to Hold Your Hand? A Compromise Reached in the Apple vs. Apple Case
Apple and Apple Come Together to Offer Digital Downloads
Got to Get You Into My iLife: Beatles to Go With Apple for Digital Downloads
Beatles to Offer Digital Downloads after Long and Winding (Legal) Road
Hello, Goodbye: Beatles Quickly Cancels Digital Download Deal with Apple

Sometime in the recent past, Gus van Sant made a poorly-received film with an actor pretending to be Kur(d)t Cobain in his Last Days on Earth. I forget the name of this film - Heart Shaped Coffin? All Apol-Eulogies? Suicide Solution? - but apparently the movie crescendos with the mopey guy in the blond wig singing a song of his own creation "inspired" by Cobain's work. Perhaps Pavement's "Flux = Rad" was unavailable for licensing.

Now, Japan's most sincere and upright music label Avex has released a compilation album "inspired by" the van Sant film, entitled Last Days ~ Tribute to Mr. K ~. I'm glad they used "Mr. K" because I honestly cannot think of a more appropriate nickname for the Cobainster. When I was fifteen and on Spring Break, I remember watching a local newscast announcing the suicide of Mr. K, and I told my friend, "Hey Tim, Mr. K killed himself." If Grunge and Alternative were my generation's My Generation, Mr. K was John and Paul and Jimmy and Janis all rolled into one. Upon learning of Mr. K's death, we knew that Eddie Vedder had to quickly step up to the plate and become a semi-underground/semi-corporate symbol or otherwise the jocks would retake their place at top of the high-school social hierarchy. Remember: Mr. K suddenly made weirdos and bad guitar playing tolerable in the teenage world and pushed semi-artsy/semi-hot girls teetering on the edge of respectability into wearing sexy Doc Martens with black-and-white tights.

Avex's collection no doubt sums up all this American adolescent social turmoil by bringing together a cavalcade of domestic Japanese musical talent. Kicking things off is MCU from Japan's hip-pop powerhouse Kick the Can Crew, who kicks K's ass into gear with some smooth rhymes and un-Can-like beats (I have not heard any of the songs on this album.) Shonen Knife also appear, making me think that Mr. K would have actually given this album a listen, if you could somehow play CCCD's in Heaven. But the fundamental problem with "Music Inspired by A Film Inspired by Kurt Cobain" is that Mr. K had exactly one musical idea. Admittedly, that idea was a very powerful idea at the time of its launch, but I'm not sure anyone is still mystified by the "bass verse", the "lead melody line guitar solo", guitar "distortion", incomprehensible "lyrics," etc. Nirvana was one of those bands who boiled rock down to its bare essentials, so copying Nirvana is like cracking Duplo blocks in half. Throw in some major seventh chords and you're violating the Mr. K inspiration. Do everything the Nirvana way and you sound like Puddle of Mudd.

But as Avex surely understands, the greatest way to honor a man who bit off his own head rather than let himself become a rock demigod is to honor him in Stalinesque glory. Tribute Michael Jackson all you want, but you'll never be able to outdo the cover of HIStory. I don't think Mr. K ever wanted statues, let alone gimmicky CDs from the Jpop Factory. I would hope that the royalties go to the Francis Bean Scholarship Fund, but seeing that there isn't an actual Cobain song on the CD - what royalties??

Ice Cream takes the torch from Vintage King

I got my hair cut in late February to gear up for job interviews, and then grew it back to the shag once I became complacently employed. Now with the warmer weather and my ten-paa natural curl springing into action, my haircut looked less like I was protesting the staid business world and more like I was wearing a helmet. So, I made an appointment with my "guy" and dropped in on his Omotesando location on Sunday to get cleaned up for Early Summer.

Weekends are busy - all three shampoo stations operating simultaneously - and prices are high - 6000 with a friendly discount that seems to slightly decrease with every cut - but you get what you pay for: Omotesando hairdressers are so posh that you get to hear the entirety of the Maroon 5 album - complete with multiple Japanese bonus remixes of "This Love" and a live acoustic version thrown in for good measure. This kind of experience tends to overwhelm me: my back broken yet again by the weight of inimitable Tokyo hipness. I feel sorry for the patrons of similar spots in New York and Paris who don't receive such constant immersion in cutting-edge music and fashion. I'm not even sure if Maroon 5 has even hit it big in America yet. Watch out, MTV. Here comes Youth Culture.

Omotesando, the street, has always been one of Tokyo's most unique locales - ignore the Paris-complex for a moment (ie, Eiffel Tower:Tokyo Tower::Champs-Elysees::Omotesando Avenue.) But now Darth Vader's Omotesando Hills has radically denatured the downhill walk towards Harajuku. I'm not sure OH can be described as "ugly" but it certainly has forced the spatiality of the area to be identical with the dreaded Roppongi Hills - yet again decreasing Tokyo's environmental diversity. Mori has the unbridled creativity of George Lucas: "For my sequel, I will make another Death Star. Only this time it will be slightly bigger!" OH does, however, keep us on the cutting-edge of fashion. If this Ugg Australia brand can break through the competitive Japanese fashion market, perhaps it will make some inroads with American women. Such crazy boots!

I duck behind Wendy's to check out the ghosts of "Ura-Harajuku," an area which has basically morphed into the Aughts version of Takeshita-doori "Junk Street Hell." Signs are advertising second-hand Ape directly to Chinese consumers. No offense against the Chinese, but this has not traditionally been an indication of brand strength and exclusitivity. Nigo himself may never construct signs luring Chinese tourists into his shops, but he is busy bringing Busy Work Shops to Taiwan and Hong Kong. Mostly because Japanese youth consumers are ceasing to buy overpriced street wear, and also, exist.

But historically, the Ura-Harajuku degradation makes perfect sense. If Takeshita was It in the mid 80s, and Ura-Harajuku was the mid-90s It Relocation, then Ura-Harajuku should now be the New Teenage Junk Shop Hell, and It should be... Wait, where is It?

Maybe Daikanyama took the crown for several years around 2000, but Nakameguro never rose above the "trendy" tagline to actually become a region of real cultural import. The age of o-share - the exclusive "cool" accessible to all kids who can read a magazine and take a weekend jaunt into the city - is over. I have no doubts that the rich, famous, and semi-talented are having warm champagne at secret corporate parties. But they have ceased to have any sort of impact on mainstream Japanese youth culture, just angry and angular pseudo-celebrities settling with invidious socioeconomic distinction as an ersatz for artistic distinction and popular support.

Lacking any competition, Harajuku carries on as an aging monster we have forgotten to slay, fully funded by the same suspicious dummy real-estate corporations. And up the hill, Omotesando symbolizes all the delusional VIP self-aggrandizing that prospers behind closed doors. But there is no happy middle - an electric environment connecting innovative creators and innovative consumers. At least not in the Old World of fashion and trends. If you get your kicks from maid cafes, chain izakaya, melocore punk, slow life myths, global fashion conglomerates, and R&B divas, Tokyo will blow you away. Otherwise, start mingling with the super rich.

Or build a nice peer group and create something new and self-satisfying, far from the concrete of ambition.

On official business, I was in one of Mori's fine "Hill" office complexes this morning. At 11:25, I wanted to return to the ground floor, only to have each of the next three arriving elevators already be full-capacity. (The Early-Early Lunch Crowd?) After literally ten minutes of waiting, we realized that you have to go upstairs seven floors and to catch an empty downstairs elevator. Hilarity failed to ensue.

Dudes lining up for the ill new Ice Cream Store

A train to JFK, and like a day or so later, I'm in Japan, ready to stock up on 12"s, sneaks, and chicks. On Sunday I hit Haryjuku. I eat a Subway footlong (psyche!) and hook up with a bud I knew back in Brooklyn who cut my hair back in the days. Crazy shit. In Japan, a haircut takes about two hours - no joke - miniature tiny cuts, a long shampoo, head massage, about three or four (not cute) female assistants. They kept playing Maroon 5 but the service was ill.

Made my way past this big concrete mall - Omotesendo Hills - but I don't buy that Euro shit. Packed with people - all the way down. LV and Gucci on the other side. Sitting on the side of the street are all these scouts and photographers checking out the stroll. I was just wearing flipflops and cargos, so nobody's gonna stop me. (Right, GD?)

Duck behind Wendy's and hit the goldmine. Cheap used Ape (and Japan-only Supreme) in about twenty different shops. Porter wallets. Took me like half an hour to find the Ape shop, but I finally made my way in. Way more stuff than the Soho joint. I kind of broke down crying. Got way too much but prolley sell half the shit on Ebay. $$$. Ricar would kill for the green camo hoodie I got. Shirts run a little small, but the baggy thing is over anyway.

Make my way to Head Porter, but too expensive. People on teh street are head to toe in Bape. I can't even compete. Some great sneaks in some shops, but no one's got 12s. Damn.

Thank God these dudes spoke EngliSH!

I knew if I hung around long enough I would see Nigo and Pharell and those dudes, so I killed some time in Recon, trying to see if the staff guys knew Andy etc. Ice Cream store looked hot from the outside but I wasn't about to wait in line for all that.

My bags got heavy, so I headed back to the hotel. Some really nice bikes on teh streets too. People got too much cash.

Met this girl I know Mari down iN Roppongi. Took me too this crazy club called Gas-Something. All these Japaese chicks are crazy, man,. You gotta check it out for yourself. They got some thing for Americans or something. I got this one girl's number and we're going to meet in Shibuya tomorrow. Speaks okay English.

Nothing beats this place, man. I gotta move here.

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Bazooka Joe at His School Play Rehearsal: Extended Gum Rapper Proposal

Bazooka: Terricklae Endread! ... Wait, that's not the line. Cheroklee Entead! Hey, you! That's my coat and stuff next to you... yeah the blue one - can you hand me my script?
Mort: (pause)
B: How'd you do that?
M: What do you mean?
B: How did you say that word and have the round brackets be around it?
M: Oh, that. That's the thing - you don't say anything. You just act it out.
B: (stunned)
M: Exactly.
B: (in Hebrew) I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN MY OWN COMIC STRIP.
M:I don't understand Hebrew, but I understood that what you said was in Hebrew.
B: Are you getting bugged by this colon always to the left of us? You just ran into it.
M: On stage, our words will be printed upon giant two-dimensional "speech bubbles." So the colon is just a temporary thing.
B: I see, I see. When you say "on stage," you mean, "in the comic strip?"
M: I like to consider ourselves performing a play - in sequential box form.
B: Uh-oh. Here comes the punchline.
M: This play about boxing is going to be great!
B: Yeah, if I can remember the punch line.

B: Also, who in the world calls me "B"? I didn't go to all the trouble making sure everyone called me "Bazooka" so that people could shorten it to "B." Sheesh.