« Subway Commutes, Day Two | Main | Happy Easter, Happy Easter »

April 14, 2006

The Historical Inevitability of Re-Branding

...."From talking with you last week on the phone, we got the sense that you are a bit disappointed with your performance in recent years - quite understandably, in fact. Just looking at these numbers, I can't help but -"
...."- you are really going to need to be more proactive to make an impact."
...."Right. And so we put together this integrated branding strategy to address all your communication issues."
...."We want to stress the integration. Total integration of the brand concept - from top to bottom."
...."Right. So, first we have to rethink this old logo."
...."We took the liberty of doing some preliminary research, to get a sense of what people today thought about your old logo. So first we showed them the sickle. A large majority of these key demographics didn't even know what it was -"
...." - and these are your key demographics -"
...."- most thought it was a scythe. The Grim Reaper. That's not a particularly healthy association."
...."And just so you know, we had showed them both the sickle logo and also a real sickle."
...."Very rusty. Very authentic."
...."No one was into it. One guy cut his finger."
...."So then we pulled out the hammer. And first of all, this hammer logo doesn't even look like a hammer."
...."Real hammers have that rounded head and duck-tail. Very charming - Americana. This Old House."
...."Your hammer is just this big block."
...."And Arm & Hammer already did the hammer. And I hear they are even re-branding and getting rid of it."
...."So knowing all this, we did a focus group last Thursday."
...."Last Wednesday."
...."Right, last Wednesday. And we asked this focus group - "
...."Mostly members from your target demographics, by the way. Very low rent."
...."Yes. We gave them an illustrated picture of a guy holding the sickle and the hammer, in overalls, very salt-of-the earth, and another guy standing next to him with one of those cartoon speech bubbles coming out of his mouth. And we asked them to fill in what they thought the other guy was saying."
...."Just, the first thing that comes into your mind. Anything - "
...."- and you know what a majority of them wrote? 'Asshole.'"
...."Asshole."
...."That's what they wrote. And that was probably the nicest response. I can't repeat the rest of them - "
...." - not here at least. We'll show you the memo later."
...."Well, I can understand those reactions, but we have always used the hammer and sickle as a way to show our solidarity with the historical tradition and - "
...."Tradition."
...."The T-word."
...."Everything we are doing for you is part of our integrated strategy. Integrated. We use the Two-Prong Fork Marketing Identity Strategic Matrix. Two prongs. In your case, we have identified these strategic prongs as one, tradition, and two, the future."
...."But not tradition tradition. New tradition."
...."Not 'Coca-Cola' - 'Coke Classic.'"
...."Exactly."
...."With that in mind, pick up this pamphlet. Imagine you're a consumer - "
...."Consumer?"
...."Constituent. Whatever. You should think of them in the same way. Imagine picking this pamphlet up, casually, just one day picking this up, 'Hey, something to read on the train,' and you see this old guy on the back cover, black-and-white, full beard."
...."So Jewish - "
...."Too Jewish. Way too Jewish. And not even cute nebbish Jewish - like what's-his-name from SNL - Adam Samberg."
...."This is severe Jewish. You know, I never really got the anti-Semite thing, but then I saw this - "
...."You get it, right?"
...."Yeah, I mean, I'm not anti-Semitic or anything. At all. But you see this, and you kinda get it."
...."This guy is Jerry Garcia on a bad day - without the charm. No Ben&Jerry's for this guy."
...."He was the founder of our - "
...."I know, but that's old tradition."
...."And then this guy V.I."
...."Severe. This guy is ice. V. I. = Vladimir Iceman."
...."It's the 21st century. We have to lose these bald, black-and-white guys with bad facial hair."
...."So we went out to the library and did some digging, and we found these gorgeous pictures of young Stalin. Very handsome. Will be even better once we finish bringing the color up to date. Creative will have that done by tomorrow. Actually it will probably be Monday."
...."In general, the Party has spent the last fifty years trying to get away from Stalin, in that - "
...."Well people haven't seen the young Stalin."
...."We considered Trotsky - good rep, but again, too Jewish."
...."Moving on. The red you've been using is $2 Walgreens drugstore lipstick red. We have our designers working on this, scanning the Pantone for something more... now."
...."But tell him what we're thinking."
...."Okay, this is very preliminary, but we're thinking a whole VI based on grayscale."
...."Grayscale?"
...."Very retro. Mac Classic II."
...."Either that or Game Boy pea-green grayscale."
...."If anything though, we really want you to keep the stars. Feels like 90s indie kid tattoos and those are headed for a comeback anytime soon."

Posted by marxy at April 14, 2006 8:40 AM

Comments

Posted by: Rory P. Wavekrest at April 14, 2006 7:13 PM

Posted by: sumiyoshipilgrim at April 15, 2006 8:00 AM

Posted by: ndkent at April 21, 2006 3:52 AM